Collect Me.

I decided to try this art in Times Square project. But people need to vote for me to become eligible. It's gloriously free and it makes YOU eligible to win $2,500 and a trip.

All you have to do is go to this link and click on "collect me" at the top, right side of the page.

Feel free to share my link anywhere and everywhere if you like my stuff.

Spring Cleaning

Spring is here. Ahhhh, time for Spring cleaning. Time to neaten up, assess what's working and what's not, and sometimes let go.

I think there is truth in the idea that we can't know what is "good" and what is "bad" until time has passed and we can step back to see the bigger picture. When I think back on things I would have labelled as a "bad" at the time, I realize the outcome is often quite the opposite.

An example of this is when a 200 lb construction wall fell on me a few years back pinning me underneath, breaking my collarbone and throwing my whole body out of whack. The recovery was one of the most physically painful and initially boring times in my life. My mobility was severely limited and it hurt to even be still. But all of that free time allowed for reflection and it became one of the most spiritually profound times in my life.

Another thought that comes to mind are serotinous pine cones. These cones are sealed shut with resin. The seeds from serotinous pine cones are only released in the blaze of a forest fire when the resin that binds the cones shut is melted. Proof in nature that in some cases only destruction can lead to new growth.

Wrapped

We wrapped today on the short film Drek, directed by Julia Hebner.

Photo with Tom Berklund

dreck

Slang rubbish; trash; manure; inferior merchandise or work; insincere talk or excessive flattery.

(from Yiddish drek filth, dregs)

Grounded Optimism.

What most people consider to be optimism has always kind of bothered me. Smiley "I'm not worried!" types who preach The Secret and say everything is gonna be ok without assessing the full scope of the situation or having a plan of action. I mean, it's ok to think everything is going to be ok. But how? Most of the time people like this come off as dismissive to me. They want to be nice but they lack substance.

I've been reading about grounded optimism a lot lately. It's a much more appealing brand of optimism to me than the prototypical sunny optimist brand. It turns out that true optimism is less about outlook and mood than it is about behavior. Optimism is about persistance. If you believe the future will be more good than bad then regardless of whether you're naturally cheerful, sad, neurotic or cranky you are more likely to stay engaged in the pursuit of your goals and to boost efforts when the going gets tough.

Makes sense to me.

Meaning.

I was late for a voice lesson the other day, so I took a cab uptown. I wasn't really in the mood to talk but the driver started a conversation anyway. He was, it turned out, a jazz musician. He told me one of his favorite musicians was Red Garland. Because Red Garland didn't waste a note. Each note he played had meaning. It was the same thing for acting my driver said. The same thing for writing. The same thing for anything. Too many people walk around talking with nothing to say. If you don't say what you mean and mean what you say, it's better not to say anything at all. 

It's a good reminder that it's better to under promise and over deliver than the other way around. Because the truth is, if a person's actions don't match up with his words there comes a point when anything he says is meaningless. 

Oh and by the way, yes, Red Garland is absolutely amazing. 

Love. Love?

"Love is giving someone complete power to destroy your world...and trusting them not to"

I saw this quote on my facebook news feed and it caught my attention. It caught the attention of at least 25 other people as well and started somewhat of a debate. Is it possible to destroy someone else's world? If someones world isn't destroyed did the relationship mean much to begin with? Should we give people power and trust them not to use it? Someone's gotta leave first, right? Even if that means death.

Here's what I think it means: Nobody has the power to destroy your world. Only you can do that to yourself. Break-ups happen, death is inevitable. I think the quote is simplified for maximum impact but it refers to simply knowing someone better than anyone else does and using that knowledge with care. Not exploiting vulnerabilities, not distributing nekkid pictures and not hitting below the belt (figuratively...but I guess literally too). Knowing the things that are most important to that person and treating those things with respect. Using someones love and adoration against them is the weak thing to do. But hey, it happens. And if it does: Was it really love in the first place?

Orchard Update

A short film I made, The Orchard, is still being cleaned up in the sound department but we're good to go on editing and color correction. Plus it's got this schmancy poster now and an updated imdb page!

You Are Garrulous.

You are garrulous.

I scamper behind you filling my arms

with your words.

I gather them to identify which ones contain a substantial kernel

to nourish myself with.

I dropped a sackful once and sobbed for weeks

Only to discover the husks were all empty.

When you came back after some months

I was ready to blow them back at you

Throw them in your face

But I found myself following

behind you once again with my arms full of empty husks.

It's A Boxee-ful Life.

I did a commercial for Boxee recently. It's this pretty cool little device that connects your internet to your tv so you don't have to watch streaming movies and whatnot on a tiny, horrible computer screen (horrible. I would rather not watch a movie at all then on the computer.) It was a pretty long day, albeit a fun one. Those Boxee folks are great and treated us really well. 

It's a lifestyle commercial shot from the perspective of the guy interacting with the technology, so Andy (the hero/my husband in the commercial) had to wear a camera on his head for many hours at a time. This is mostly what I was interacting with:

Andy Roberts. Actor. Comedian. Helmet Cam Man Extraordinaire

Which is too bad because he's a pretty good looking guy under there, as you see at the very end of the commercial. 

I also got to play at the playground with these adorable little peanuts. Motherhood for a day. Good deal.

Here's the finished commercial. Wanna buy a Boxee?

One Week At A Time.

A week or two ago I became extra aware of the amount of energy I put into my iphone.  I was texting while I was walking my dog. I was checking my email as soon as I got out of subway stations or classes or meetings. Even while I was working or writing I checked my phone every 15 minutes. I’m not sure what I expect to find in my phone by checking it CONSTANTLY. I guess I expect a solution to come to me. To what I don’t even know. It’s a connection to everything so I have this impression that all opportunity can come to me through it at anytime.

The problem with having a connection to everything all at once is there is too much information to choose from. It’s like the jam study- that one in the super market that shows when choosing a jam from an assortment of 24 jams or from an assortment of six, consumers are at least six times more likely to purchase a jam if it’s from the group of six than 24 because processing the pros and cons of 24 jams is too much.

Anyway, I’ve been finding lately that having constant access to everything is actually a disadvantage. I don’t need to know everything right now. But when I have my iphone, I think I do. Because it feels better to be distracted then actually burrowing into the moment of what I’m doing and really having to think. It’s literally an addiction.

So last week I started an experiment. I didn’t bring my cell phone with me at all when I left the house. The first time I did it I actually felt a sense of panic. It was like one of those dreams where you forget to wear your pants. I kept thinking what if I’m late and I need to call? What if I get lost? What if I need to find an address?

I actually continued to feel that anxiety at some level, but I also noticed some other things. Like when I was walking or standing in line I could let my mind wander instead of checking my texts or emails. I had daydreams of flying and new ideas for stories.  I actually just felt more open, more connected and more creative all week. It's my new favorite thing actually. I like pretending  I'm in the 1980's. In the glorious days before cell phones and uber-connectedness to all people and established information. Back when a girl could make a plan to meet someone before she left the house, ask strangers for directions, or make up her own facts instead of looking them up on the phone. 


So if I don't pick up, don't take it personally. I'm probably just not at home.

Feast Your Eyes

I have 3 pieces in the Feast Your Eyes show at Powerhouse Arena in DUMBO this month. Artist are invited to explore our fascination with food from preparation to presentation. What does food mean to you?

Please join me and the other artists at an opening reception this Friday, January 6th from 6:00-9:00 pm.
37 Main Street
Brooklyn, NY. 11201

Exhibition runs through January 27th.



http://www.powerhousearena.com/

Opening Reception

If you find yourself in Philadelphia tonight I would love to see you at the opening reception for my photography show! 6:30-10:00 pm.

Gravy Gallery

2212 Sepviva Street

Philadelphia, PA. 19125

If you can't make it you can see my work at www.lauragrahamart.com. I will be donating 50% of the profits I make from sales in this show to building reservoirs in Kenya.

L.N. Fowler's Porcelain Bust

L.N. Fowler’s porcelain bust was broken. Cast into reflective, shine-y shards. A sharp edge divided “moral and religious sentiments”. “Firmness” next to “stability” was lost entirely. I tried to glue the pieces back together and restore the crack-less, glossy veneer, but there were so many of them.

The bigger pieces I could resolve. The jagged edges fitted together like a jigsaw puzzle. The half-moon back of the cranium cupped into the front. But the tiny pieces were a different story. The crack and the glue created a space between each piece. The disruption was minimal at the first intersections, but as the network spread into the collapsed chest, each disruption ran into the next, creating larger gaps in the pieces. They don’t fit together anymore. The surface has become unsmooth with jagged shards and air in between. I wanted to try to heal the angry gaps and smooth over the broken shards that were meant to fit together.

Our elements are like a puzzle. Our energy is meant to be alchemized. In an object or element that is always smooth and stable, there is no energy, no transmutation. If something is always easy, we aren’t learning anymore. Muscles that aren’t strained aren’t growing anymore. There have to be cracks and strain and irritation to make a pearl.

The bust sat undisturbed and unchanged on various windowsills in various apartments for 10 years. It neither grew nor shrunk. It was pretty but unexceptional and often unnoticed.  Now that it has cracked, attention has been drawn to it. It’s special again, something notable again. No longer as pretty and smooth, but once again special for the change it’s gone through.

Some days all I see are jagged pieces. They don’t fit together. They don’t make sense. Each one is out of whack with the next. I have to connect them to make them make sense again. I have to blend them to make them useful again. I have to fit them together to make them take new form and have purpose. The cracks are a gift.

The Orchard

Coming.

The Orchard.

For You.

I died a little the day you left.

Like a rubber band wrapped around an appendage for too long,

you turned black and fell off.

The piece that was left, the larger piece,

Ached.

Amputated. Annihilated.

It longed for what it once considered it’s self whole.

Even after the scab crusted, then scarred.

Smoothed over stump.

As the phantom pangs died down

the nerves rewired and began to forget.

It turned out you were only an appendix.

A molar.

The dangling ball in the back of my throat.

Or maybe a growth

A tumor. Teratoma

Parasitic hanger-on.

It was you who needed me.

Visionary Women

"If one can anyone can. All you gotta do is try"

-Faith Ringgold

Earlier this week I attended an event in Philadelphia called the Visionary Woman Awards. It's an event held every year at my alma mater, Moore College of Art and Design to honor woman in the arts (and incidentally beautifully planned by my mama who is also an alumna). Past recipients include Faith Ringgold, Mary Ellen Mark and Mary McFadden.

This year the award went to Native American painter Jaune Quick-To-See Smith, designer and developer of DUMBO in Brooklyn Jane Walentas and editorial cartoonist Signe Wilkinson. In the words of Happy Fernandez it's important to have events like this to honor women in the arts because they don't get as much press and attention as "some other people". In their speeches these strong women reminded us to "keep our ears open for tough and honest criticism", that "artists are our eyes" and that "cartoonists don't kill people- humorless religious fanatics do".

One of the most interesting parts of the evening for me was after the awards were given out and the dinner was over and the chocolate fountain was shut off (oh yes. there was a fountain 'o chocolate. tables are available for purchase for next years event). A group of women and a smattering of husbands went next door for a drink and some of the woman started talking about their early careers. One of my mothers classmates (class of '66) started talking about a design presentation she had put together for an industrial manufacturing company she had worked for at the time. Despite the fact that she had researched, organized and developed the presentation, she wasn't allowed to present the material herself. She had to hand it off to a man to make the presentation. My mom talks about being a senior designer (and one of few woman) at an interior design firm and working for weeks to meticulously put together a presentation and then being winked at and asked to fetch a cup of coffee. Men of the 1960's: what the hell were y'all thinking?

It makes me realize how much I admire that generation for paving the way for a more open and balanced environment for women to have a voice. For being strong and positive and never giving up. It makes me want to be strong too to inspire the next generation of women. It's proof that things can change for the better. I feel lucky to be living now. I want to send the ladies a little reminder to get out there and do your thing. Say what you believe in, don't wait. Don't let other people take credit for your work just because they're louder. Ask for the support you deserve and if you don't get it, find someone who will support you. Remember to network for what you believe in.

Pioneer One Episode 5

If you've been following the NYTVF winning series I'm in, Pioneer One, episode 5 is out today.

When an unannounced visitor breaks into the Calgary base with just days left in the quarantine, tensions are higher than ever. The fate of Yuri and everyone on Tom Taylor's team is about to be decided in this penultimate episode of the first season.

To watch it, click here.

The Orchard

My Boys. The Orchard, Jake Elitzer, Tyler Herwick and Devin Doyle.

As a photographer with an interest in exploring fictional narrative, directing a movie is something I've thought about doing for awhile. This story in particular, inspired by a short story called Appleless by Aimee Bender, has been poking around in my mind since I first read it years ago. It was so dark and ambiguous while also being incredibly beautiful and sensorial and lush. It also had a strange, fairy-tale element to it. This just might be my favorite combination of things.

Also being the sort of artist who has spent most of my life fumbling around alone in a studio and taking photographs of myself or close friends, I wasn't sure I could pull off writing, producing, directing and acting in a film that was ambitious enough that I would need to work with a crew on it.

But I loved it. Every step of the way (well, I guess it would be more truthful to say almost every step of the way. Several steps were just a pain in the ass). I'm overwhelmed by the commitment of the actors and the crew involved in the project. We had some interesting road blocks, everything from projected thunderstorms for the entire week of filming (our main location was outdoors- Mackey's Orchard in Belvidere NJ), to one of our locations flooding and Rachel having to find a new location at the last minute, to our van getting stuck in the mud, to poison ivy. There is nothing more humbling than shooting outside.

What's amazing to me is, despite being millimeters away from rescheduling the whole shoot, everything came together better than I could have hoped for.

I can't wait to make another.

Laura Graham, The Orchard

Check our facebook page for updates, www.facebook.com/theorchardfilm.

Additional info on cast and crew is available on our imdb page: The Orchard imdb

Premier Of Pioneer One Episode 5 Tonight!

Tonight I will be on a Q&A panel with the rest of the cast and the creators of Pioneer One! Exciting! Come see us at Housing Works Bookstore Cafe at 7:00 pm. 


Proceeds at Housing Works Bookstore go towards the fight against AIDS and homelessness.


http://www.pioneerone.tv/

MIA But Not Dead

I've been MIA for a few weeks. I'm learning how to make my photos move for the first time. In any really ambitious way anyways. That is to say, I'm making my first film. It's inspired by a short story called Appleless by Aimee Bender- one of my favorite lady writers, mixed up with some other tales I've had spinning around my mind.

I must say it's been sometimes (always) overwhelming, but I'm amazingly grateful for all of the people who are helping and how things are coming together. One of my biggest allies over the last couple of months is producer Rachel McLaughlin, who I would be able to do nothing without! I'm so lucky to have one of the most balls-to-the-wall ladies I know on my side.

The other freaking exciting thing is our cinematographer, John Pirozzi. I couldn't have asked for a better cinematographer and the craziest thing is how we met: Rachel and I were doing some location scouting in a small town in South Jersey one day a few weeks ago. We were taking some photos of a store front when literally the only other person on the street walked up to us to say hi and ask what we were up to. We said we were from NY and we were shooting a short film. It turned out the guy was John, a cinematographer who was also from NY and in small town NJ for the day! His work is beautiful and it was meant to be. I love when that happens!

We're also lucky to have an incredibly talented cast (more about them later!) thanks to Pamela Kramer of Bradley Baron Casting.

Excited to get a chance to mush the stuff I love doing: writing, directing, photography, acting and producing, into one big project. Also scared (I've been text messaging God a lot.). But I've got a ton of awesome people to back me up, so here we go!

Wish us luck and good weather shooting this week! I'll let you know how it goes!

Fifty For Fifty

I think working on a creative problem is the best way to work though solutions to all kinds of things. Which is why I'm a fan of Write Girl, a nonprofit organization that helps teenage girls develop writing skills and creative expression. I think most of us would argue that education is really, really important for developing a strong foundation and that most schools have room for drastic improvement.

Here is a chance to personally affect change. The writer of my favorite blog,  communicatrix, is raising $50,000 in 50 days for her 50th birthday this year to donate to Write Girl. I gave $50 but you can give $5 or $50,000. As an added bonus, she plans to shave her head when the goal is reached!

To learn more about the project or to give go here: http://indiegogo.com/50-for-50 :)

Figuring Out What The Baby Wants

Bouquet, Laura Graham, 2006

I had an interesting conversation with my sister-in-law this weekend who happens to be 7 months pregnant with her first child. With the baby shower coming up, I wanted to know if there was anything extra special she and my brother wanted for the baby (my plan to be the best aunt ever is already in action. I am competitive.). She said that was a good question because she had no idea. Every parent she had spoken to had given her different advice. There were items some parents swore by and other parents who said their baby was completely indifferent to that same item but loved something else.

I guess as a non-parent myself this is something I've never really thought about because babies viewed from my perspective are all pretty much the same. They're adorable, soft and warm but they don't do very much yet and how can they have opinions already? But it makes complete sense when I think about it. Of course babies all like different things. Parents can't decide ahead of time what their child will like (much to the chagrin of mothers and fathers everywhere who dress their infant in Harvard onesies and anticipate free medical or law advice down the road). Everybody is different and resonates with different things, even as a tiny little peanut.

As a self-proclaimed extreme planner and organizer, my sister-in-law said this was something she was struggling with a bit. The not knowing and only being able to plan so much before the baby comes and is able to start making her own choices.

Oh how I relate to this feeling! I'm not expecting a humanoid child of my own at any point soon, but I am embarking on a new and ambitious artistic endeavor in the form of a short film. Like my sister-in-law, I am a planner (ok, borderline control freak). I like to have all my dogs in a row (yes, I know it's usually "ducks in a row" but I'm a dog person and it's more helpful for me to visualize a row of four-legged floor children than a row of ducks). But I have to remember that while part of creation is designing a structure to birth a project (taking the pre-natal vitamins/eating right, making a nest for the baby to come home to, taking into consideration the financial needs of a child. Or in my case, storyboarding what I can, surrounding myself with a crew I admire and planning a budget), the other part of creation is maintaining flexibility and communicating with the project as it develops. I can only figure out what my baby wants as it grows through the creative process and I have to learn to yield to that. I need the structure as a safety net but only my baby will really be able to tell me what it wants.

Comparing art making to having a child may seem like a ridiculous notion to some, but I see a lot of parallels. We have a deeply personal connection to both because they are an extension of our own evolution, they both keep us up at night and require nurturing and promotion. Both will have some form of impact on society and are a responsibility to take care of in the best way possible, but neither can be controlled. Both present a huge opportunity for growth for the parent. I'm doing my best to prevent my baby from developing into a monstrous, disfigured, meth-addicted mass, but I only have so much control because it has a life of it's own. Either way I support it.

So here is my advice for the moment: take on the most ambitious project you've been dreaming of and get to work on it. Whatever ambitious is to you- for some it may be a single painting, for others it might be directing a movie with a multi-million dollar budget. For me right now it's writing, directing and acting in my first short film. Know that there is a lot of planning required in advance. Know what you're aiming for. And then know when to let go.

Potential, Happiness and Unconditionality.

Hello powerful advice. I've had a barrage of it lately and with perfect timing too as I'm beginning production on my movie. Here is a great piece from Colleen Wainwright on her blog, (one of my most favorite, favorite, favorite blogs. Read it!) Communicatrix:

"No matter what you end up doing with your life, do not go into that thing thinking being mediocre is ok. It's not; it's the worst kind of bullshit. Mediocre isn't mediocre: it sucks. It's close to planned, intentional evil because it's pissing-away of potential- a waste of life. And life is precious... not a thing to be wasted."

Well, I have a lot to say about potential. I think a lot of the time we seem content to stumble through life just being nice, having fun and being solely concerned with day to day survival, as if that's enough. It's not. Our assets sometimes hide in the darkest, scariest places. Going into those places and excavating them through creativity is the only way they can be brought into light. The only way to grow is to do the best we can with whatever we have. If we're truly doing our best, the good we have will continue to grow.

Another piece of advice I've had running through my head is a quote told to me by Vlad Gs, a Russian I recently met who lives in Hollywood North:

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful." -Herman Cain

And lastly:


"Give your gift unconditionally."

It's something casting director Jandiz Estrada said on Wednesday night. I think it may be one of the the simplest, most liberating, profoundly inspiring pieces of advice. It takes the fear out of giving it your all. It's about realizing who we are, what we have to offer and using our authentic voices without asking for anything in return. It strikes me as the purest form of creation. Because it's love. Giving whatever you have, honestly and without expectation of reciprocation or return. 

Like ashes to the sea.

Art Freak

Back in April I became an Art Freak. That is, I participated in Olaf Breuning's body of work, Art Freaks, for a story being covered by the ever edgy and artful Bullett Magazine.

I've been painted by artists before but I've never been painted by an artist before.  Meaning Olaf's assistants literally covered my entire body in paint to transform me into a human Alexander Calder sculpture. Olaf then made 12 photographs that were stitched together in a computer program to make one very large file of my whole body.

I've been a fan of Olaf's work for a while. It spans the mediums of film, photography, painting and sculpture and it has a free spirited, playful, quality which I admire. One of my favorite pieces of his is a photo of hundreds of birds in an orange sunset sky clustered together to form the letters of the phrase "Why can you not be nice with nature? What is wrong with you?". Who knew birds were so blunt?

My first thought on the subject of having complete strangers paint my naked body was "wow, this is potentially awkward". But, like most things one is actually engaged in doing, it turned out not to be awkward at all. There were about 5-7 of us in the studio, drinking espresso, talking and being entertained by the cat as the painting was happening. I could have stayed all afternoon. My greatest discomfort was the paint drying itchy tight against my skin and having to stand completely and utterly still while the 12 photo frames were being shot.

I associate body paint with warriors...which may explain why the image I was in came out so intense. The Calder isn't as pretty as the Kandinsky, but I kind of dig it.

To see the photos and read the full article on Olaf Breuning (Entropy, Alchemy and Low Brow Beauty), pick up a copy of Bullett Magazine, Volume III: The Golden Issue. There is also a fantastic article on Miranda July in there.

Free Fallin'

my very first fall

I spent Saturday afternoon flinging my little body from heights it should not naturally be flung from. In the safest way possible, of course, at Hollywood Stunts in Greenpoint. I'll tell you what, that shit is scarier than skydiving. The scariest part about skydiving is when your body leaves the solid footing of the airplane floor. After the first few seconds it's like floating because the ground is so far away you can't even see it rushing towards you. But with these high falls one is acutely aware of how quickly the ground comes. Over and over and over again. It feels a lot more climactic to jump when you’re actually up there than it looks from the video…when your heart is rushing a mile a minute and your stomach is throbbing and you’re looking at the gap between the platform and the mat and wondering how easy it would be to miss your mark and fall through it… Especially on the second level (I did platforms 1 and 2. The top one was all our teacher, Aaron).

One of the rules we learned is you have to land as flat as possible on your back because it increases your surface area. This reduces the risk of injury. Think of it like this: it's much less dangerous and painful to slap your hand against the wall at full force when you are using the entire flat area of your palm as opposed to jamming the tip of your finger at full force into the wall. You jam your finger all of that force is probably going to break it. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket...or the force of your body weight at high velocity into your sacrum.

I was thinking about how this concept applies to my career path. Increase my surface area. Get my work out to as many people through as many venues as possible. I know the work I do won’t resonate with everyone who see’s it. But if I increase my surface area I’m bound to connect with a few people who do. And then those people who connect are bound to have like-minded friends who also connect and so on…

Landing on my back was especially difficult for me to accept because it felt out of control. It’s the same way when you release your work into the world, whether it be acting, painting, writing or a business plan. That’s when you lose control of how it will be interpreted, who will see it, who will like it or hate it. Still, that’s the only way to do it. It’s your own important, unique voice and in the end it's more painful not to get it out there.

Btw, I highly (ha!) recommend anyone with a strong heart try high falling once. Why the hell not? Don't let the abject feeling of terror you feel deep in your gut when you look over the ledge stop you. Maybe it will be the most liberating chance you've ever taken.

 And the good girls are home with broken hearts.

a woman dressing

I finally figured out how this little video I made wanted to sound.

Cracking Eggshells and Scaring Yourself Shitless

Saam Farahmand, pre-event

"I would like to thank those of you who participated, knowingly and unknowingly, in the performance that took place over the last two hours. A number of the guests at this event were actors employed with the purpose of creating moments that provoke action, thought and reflection. Through this artifice we hope to create impulsive responses that broaden our understanding of ourselves."

Last night I had a blast in an event orchestrated by director Saam Farahmand. Flash mob style. 

So here was the set- up: about 15 of us actors were cast to infiltrate a party. We were all given back stories of careers in media and publishing because the party was a networking event for the very swanky, UK based, Shots Magazine. The first half hour of the party we were to mingle, meet people and develop a rapport. After it was established that we were quite normal people we would start to glitch. Meaning we would mix it up and start introducing some quirkiness. For example, one woman on our team would confess she secretly wanted to be a singer instead of working in the banner ad industry. She would then proceed to sing, intimately, to the person she was speaking to. Another guy from our team began to wax lyrical about the importance of generosity and insisted on paying for the hotel room of a random guest that night, encouraging the to partygoer to come and take part in the act. My task was to bring a guest on an adventure following my intuition that “energy” somewhere in the hotel was leading me to find something wonderful and unexpected, though I had no idea what it was (one of my favorite moments was when I mentioned that I was invited to the party by a friend of the editor of Shots magazine... to the editor of Shots Magazine!). There were actors who's job it was to encourage people to kiss, to find guests who would be fake decoy boyfriends to allude (planted) stalkers and actors who’s job it was to find guests to help facilitate fictitious inner office romances. At 9:00 pm sharp, we stopped what we were doing and handed out strips of paper that had the above manifesto printed on it. Then we disappeared.

The idea was to engage guests in a story. To bring the evening just out of the norm enough to throw people off guard and make them think, but not make anyone too uncomfortable. One thing I found interesting were the different levels of willingness to engage. Some people were completely interested and wanting to help out, other people were barely willing to engage at all. One actor from our team mentioned that as we were running out and the guests were reading the manifesto, one of the guests said "Man, I'm pissed nobody messed with me!". Which really stayed with me because it proves that you get what you give. As actors on a mission at this event, we were excited about playing with and engaging as many people as possible. In a way, we represented the universe- open, playful and willing. The people who weren’t open to the game were the ones who missed the main event. Every moment holds an opportunity to meet people and experience something and if you can't break out of autopilot to engage it in you miss it. 

We all have our quirks and resistances that don't allow for the unexpected. Our team got to crack the eggshell just enough to wake people up. I personally left that evening incredibly inspired. I love talking to strangers but to have been given the permission to push a little more in interactions, to color them a little more brightly was really liberating. 

My favorite advice of the night is this: "If you're not scared shitless to take your next job, then you shouldn't be doing it". I'm ready. Scare the shit out of me.

Building Spiritual Muscle

I did NOT want to go for my run this morning. My body was screaming from a really intense boxing session with my trainer yesterday. I was up too late. I stepped outside and it was muggy hot.

But something my trainer told me a while ago is the best way to get over soreness is to gently exercise again the next day. So, I laced up my dirty little running shoes and took to the street. Just 20 minutes I told myself. Do the best you can. If you have to walk, you'll walk. If you have to crawl, you'll crawl.

I didn't have to do either of those things. And I ended up actually running longer than 20 minutes. Turns out I was stronger than I thought I was. But if I had given into resistance and not gotten out there to begin with, I never would have known that about myself.

The tears or damage that create muscle soreness are what make us stronger and give us more stamina as the muscles recover and rebuild. As I was running, I was thinking about how that translates to emotional damage. I intensely believe it's important to be tuned in enough to take time to feel what we're feeling. To experience the aches and pains enough to know when we have the kind of injury that needs rest. To know when pain is intuition telling us the situation we're in isn't healthy. But I've also learned lately that sometimes the best thing to do is to keep moving.  It's important to take pain energy and alchemize it. It's powerful energy if you use it right.

I was recently fortunate enough to go through an especially traumatic break up. I say I was fortunate because the momentum I've been able to build up from that pain energy is enormous. I wasn't able to sleep for weeks so I would stay up and write. I was booking auditions and job interviews left and right. Friends were extra supportive of me and it made me want to get out and be even more supportive of them. There were definitely points in between all of these events when I allowed myself recovery time to be a wreck, but only for short periods and then I would get out and move again.

I have to say more than anything I'm grateful for that tear. Because it has left me with greater spiritual and emotional stamina and strength, a stronger sense of self and crazy momentum. And I'm going to use that momentum to get out there and make things happen.

Dating and Agents

ahhh, my hair is finally back to it's natural color!

Last night I went to one of those agent night events. For those of you who aren't actors I'll elaborate. Agent nights are monthly events that are held where 10 talent agents come to see the work of actors who are looking for representation. It's the speed dating of the acting world. They split off into two rooms in groups of 5 and sit at a long table. You walk in, some of them barely even glance up at you, then you do a scene you've prepared with the reader. Then you are whisked away into the next room while they fill out a feedback form on you and the next actor comes in and does the same thing.

These events used to really scare the bejeezus (I don't think I've ever used that word before...) out of me. And I have to say, I take these things a lot less seriously then I used to. I mean, I take them seriously in the sense that I bother to put my pants on and I do work on the material that I'm going to be performing (Well that's the entire point right? The performing part is my reason for being so I take that seriously by default). It's the part about the scary wall of people and how much they're going to criticize me that I don't take seriously anymore. I just go in and do what I do. And I feel really grounded doing it. The thing is, there are people you are NEVER going to please. No matter how hard you try, they're not going to be interested in what you do. And this is the part where the dating metaphor really works for me. There are people you meet who you just click with and you're attracted to and there are people you would never consider dating. And it works both ways. There is no point in trying your ass off to impress someone who can't be impressed. It's a waste of energy. It's important in dating to find someone who is going to like you for who you are. Same goes for agents.

All I need to do to prove my point on this is go through my feedback forms from last night. I have everything from glowing reviews, all 5's (on a scale of 1-5) "Natural beauty!" "I liked your choices and use of the prop", "Great job taking time with the dialogue!" "I really liked you a lot!" to 1's and 2's "Don't need props" "Pace dragged" to criticism on my shoes and people who didn't even bother to fully fill out the form. So yeah. Just like dating. Some people are going to criticize most things and some people are going to love most things.

But here is the other thing that makes finding an agent like dating. It only takes one. You only need one really wonderful person who understands where you're coming from who you can work together with towards a unified goal.  And we can only do that if we get each other and the goals we're trying to reach are similar. My objective is to work with, be friends with and date people I can be useful to. I want to build relationships with people on a common ground. I want to help people move towards their goals as much as they help me move towards mine.

In the end everything comes down to a matter of taste. There are artists who's work is so moving to me that I wouldn't even question if their work was good or not and other people can look at the same work and hate it. Vanilla and chocolate. So next time you are given criticism, sit with it, decide if it can be useful for where you want to go, and either use it or throw it away. There are millions of people out there waiting to be positively effected by what you have to say. You just have to find them. And the people who don't get it? It's ok. They're not for you.

Philadelphia Sculpture Gym

I have to brag on behalf of my amazing friend, sculptor Darla Jackson, for winning a grant as part of The Knight Arts Challenge!

The John S. and James L. Knight Foundation has bestowed $2.7 million in new funding to the arts in Philadelphia. Darla's idea was chosen out of 1,752 applications, many of which are established art institutions in Philadelphia like the Barnes Foundation and the Philadelphia Museum of Art.

The idea? Philadelphia Sculpture Gym. A place for artists to access heavy duty tools, have storage space and get one-on-one help with projects (As a past recipient of some of this one-on-one help with mold making I can personally verify that Darla is an excellent teacher).

Darla says, "One of the most exciting things is it's going to be a safe and affordable way for artists to make their work".

You go, Da!

Episode 4

Pioneer One episode 4 is out.

As the media begins to question the story about the crashed satellite, Secretary McClellan (Einar Gunn) starts to play hardball with the Russians in pursuit of his own truth. But everything hinges on what Yuri (Aleksandr Evtushenko), the frightened boy at the center of it all, might have to say...

‎"Pioneer One offers a slickness of production and depth of story that blurs the line between ‘web’ and ‘network’ television, much in the way that independent film producers are closing the gap between their fare and the studio mainstream."

Download the torrent or stream here:

Pioneer One Episode 4

Filming has begun for episodes 5 and 6 so stay tuned...

Value

Baobab Tree, Cameroon. Image by Laura Graham

One thing I've been putting a lot of thought into this week is value. I think it's interesting what different people value. Here are some traits that I came up with that I value immensely: willingness and tenacity. Willingness to learn and adapt, willingness to try new things, willingness to experience and take in new knowledge. A sense of adventure. Here's why.

Growth. Sure, there's stuff we're all good at or we love. Being good at something and loving it is a great starting point. But without willingness and tenacity, that thing you are good at and love will never grow beyond a certain point. If you care about something, push past the discomfort to find a resolution and success in some form is inevitable.

It's proof. Say a million times you want to get the job or how important or meaningful something is to you. Saying something doesn't get the job done. It's repeated attempts, a willingness and openness to keep trying in different ways that begets success. Doing the best you possibly can. In the words of Jim Rohn, "humans are the only life form that will do less than they possibly can...you never heard of a tree growing half as high as it could. Trees don't grow half. Trees send their roots down as deep as possible, stretch their limbs up as high as possible, produce every leaf possible." We can do it too. We just need willingness and tenacity.

Anything that is a worthwhile and ultimately deeply satisfying learning experience isn't going to be a perfectly smooth ride, especially while you are learning the ropes. In fact, some of the bumpiest rides of my life have led to the biggest rewards. The road to gaining recognition as an artist or growing a business or a meaningful relationship is full of jolts and potholes and frustration. But what's the alternative? Staying the same? Never being open to learning anything new? Start with love. It's a good starting point. But it won't finish the job.

Pioneer One Not Lost

An article on Pioneer One begins with "episode three of Pioneer One may go down in history as one of the most program-revolutionizing episodes in a series, ever."...


The author even mentions some really nice stuff about my character, Jane. Aw, bushuckies...

"She is, quite simply, the most stunning element of the show thus far, and if the preview of episode four is to believed, she will (thankfully) play a much larger role in plot to come. She is well and believably acted, but more importantly, she’s identifiable and you cannot help but relate to her on any of a number of levels. And for my money the best scene in the entire series thus far is her attempt at storytelling, guiding the clearly frightened and suffering Yuri through a little good old-fashioned escapism. It wasn’t not the first time someone reached out to him with a personal touch – more on that in a bit – but it’s the most touching outreach. Combining a simple fairy tale with something I can only describe as interpretive dance (and this is the only time you’ll ever hear me mention interpretive dance in a positive light), she came across as graceful, almost ethereal, and you couldn’t help but fall in love. And, for what it’s worth, it was one of the least choreographed-looking dance sequences I can recall seeing in TV or film. The end result was a totally organic scene."

Read the rest of the article here: Pioneer One: Not Lost In Space 


Stream/Download the show

Don't Question Yourself.

Rhumsiki, northern Cameroon. Image by Laura Graham

I got some really good advice this week from casting director Brandon Powers of Powers/Kaplan Casting.

He said, "Don't question yourself or your talent. It's a numbers game."

I think generally I'm able to stay pretty optimistic about my art. It's what I love. It gives me energy and an outlet. A more personal way to connect to other people. But sometimes I get a little down about it. And sometimes I question what I'm doing. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing or if anybody's paying attention. Or most importantly, am I positively effecting anybody with my art? Certainly not if nobody is seeing it! Maybe I would be better off getting a "real" job or helping people in a more direct way.

It's nice to be reminded not to question my talent or myself. I think there is a reason we're attracted to the vocations we are. This is the work we are meant to learn from and use to impact other people in a positive way. To not follow this path is to do us and the rest of the world a disservice. "Our aspirations are our possibilities". I believe that. And I think it applies to everything, not just traditionally artistic fields. If there is something you LOVE, you will get to the top. Just plug away, work from your heart and do what you do best. Which is be you.

Free T-Shirt Amazingness!

In celebration of the release of Pioneer One Episode 3, I'm giving away a Pioneer One t-shirt featuring the artwork of the fabulous Neil Dvorak.

To be entered into a drawing to win all you have to do is-
1) Click the 'follow' tab on the right side of the page to become a follower of this blog and
2) Answer the following question correctly:


What is the name of Walzer's dog and why did he choose this name?


(here's that link again if you still need to watch the show: http://pioneeronetv.blip.tv/ for streaming or http://vodo.net/pioneerone to download from VODO)


You have until Saturday April 2nd at 12:00 pm (that's NYC time!). And GO!


xo

Pioneer One Episode 3

Well mein lieblings, Pioneer One episode 3 is finally out and according our beloved director, Bracey Smith, it's the best things he's directed to date. Watch and enjoy!

Stream from blip tv:
http://pioneeronetv.blip.tv/

Download from VODO:
http://vodo.net/pioneerone

A Few Of My Favorite Things...

Pelicans and Punches and ivory dentures,
Medicine and tools and dental adventures...

Julie Andrews would be proud.

Lately I've been longing for a trip to the Surgeons' Hall Museum in Edinburgh where I can indulge in my penchant for antique medical and dental instruments. I made at least 3 visits to this museum during my short stay in the city. I've been flipping through some old sketchbooks and I found these funny little drawings I made of my favorite specimens...

I learned that people who extracted teeth in Britain in the Middle Ages were called "Tooth Drawers" or "Barber-Surgeons". Barber- Surgeons were members of a trade guild during the period between 1308-1745.

I like the description for the "Elevator" or "Punch"- an instrument "used to lever out the stumps or roots of teeth".  Ouch.

Perhaps a trip to The Mutter in Philadelphia is in order. It's the next best thing and much closer!

Wrecking Contractors Have Big Balls

...that's what the shirt I'm wearing says. There is a picture of a crane nestled among the lettering with a solitary ball suspended by a length of steel chain.  It's an old workout t-shirt I stole from my dad and not something I've given much thought to except that, well, I think it's pretty funny because I have the sense of humor of a 10 year old boy.

But as I continue along with my quest to grow bigger balls, this t-shirt has become more poignant. I like the idea of being a wrecking contractor in my own life. I think having a bit of the destroyer in ourselves is important. Not in the sense of self sabotage or destroying positive opportunities, but by being willing and ready to destroy structures that are no longer useful and necessary in our lives to promote new growth. 

The irony is it takes bigger balls to destroy the structures that are now useless in our lives and fear based than it is to self sabotage or destroy potential good, new opportunities that come along. It's easy to say "no, that's not what I do" when in fact the case is that's just not what I've done so far in my life. Some of the best decisions I've made in my life are "things that I didn't do" and I didn't realize until later that the reason that area of my life  wasn't working out was because I kept making the same mistake over and over instead of reassessing and trying something completely different.

A good example in my personal life is that I always said I didn't date younger guys. For some reason I always had this story in my head that as people got older, they had their shit more together and would somehow have more wisdom to offer. In my experience, this tended not to be true. Not to generalize because I'm sure there are exceptions, but maybe it would make sense that men who are dating women who are 2 decades younger don't have it together at all. So eventually I said screw it and started dating the most amazing person who I have everything in common with and who also happens to be three years younger than me. It may seem like a small thing but in my life it has made a huge difference and I finally get to share things with someone who is creative, supportive and really does have their shit together.


Some more things I've been wanting to destroy in my life are:
*my worry that I'm not helping other people enough by making art and acting (totally silly, art can be incredibly healing)
*my concern that I'm not capable of earning money as an artist doing what I love (people do it all the time)
*not trusting my intuition enough (usually pretty reliable when I'm brave enough to trust it)


So I guess the positive side of being a wrecking contractor in my life is to embrace change, always be open to new adjustments and not be too attached to things that may not be helpful anymore just because I'm used to them being there and that makes them appear to be solid, strong structures. Because even if it looks ok from the outside, the structural integrity on the inside may not be reliable anymore and it may be time for it to come down.

Spoiled.

I'm currently a spoiler on a new Pioneer One fan site. Check it out here:

http://pioneeronespoilers.blogspot.com/2011/02/jane.html

Episode 3 is planned to be released end of February/beginning of March so get ready! Go Pioneer One Go!

http://www.pioneerone.tv/

Sleepiness as an anesthetic?

Sleep, self portrait, Laura Graham, Tin type, 2008

I have 7 classes or auditions this week. Which is awesome! I can't think of a way I would rather spend my time!

But with all of the grey, rain and slush it's been an effort to keep my energy up, up, up! Which has made me think about my energy and how to use it to it's most positive potential. Where does it go when it runs out? I'm not necessarily tired from not getting enough sleep because I usually do. 

I'm sure it's partially from less sunlight/less serotonin, but I also have a theory that it's a way for my subconscious to push things under that aren't fun to deal with...anything from self-doubt to inclement weather. I mean, I'm not a drinker, drugger or partier. I'm not a sex addict. So I figure my subconscious has to figure out some tactic of avoidance. So I zombify. Sleepiness is my anesthetic.

But I don't really think the energy that would normally be there just goes away when I get in a sleepy mood. And I think if I'm not actively using that energy in a positive, conscious, constructive way, that energy becomes buried and a bit destructive. Like freezing my muscles and making me tight and sore or biting into my immune system to give me a cold. Misuse of energy equals stress in some form in the body. One book that really helped solidify this for me is "Healing Back Pain" by John Sarno- a recommendation from my acting teacher, Brad, when my back freaked out last year (a surgeon said I needed surgery for a herniated disc asap and he was surprised that I was even able to walk and now everything is working much better, thank you, sans surgery...)

So as I trudge to acting class thinking I would rather be sleeping than slushing through the cold rain, I remind myself to take this opportunity to pop my energy and get it out into the good stuff- like class work- so I don't get sick later. Cause the energy is there and it's going to be used either in a positive way or not.